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10 Best Answering Machine Messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly...............................................................................

So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

The Salty Coffee

He met her at a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him.

At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, and she thought to herself, “Please, let me go home…”

Suddenly he asked the waiter, “Would you please give me some salt? I’d like to put it in my coffee.” Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously, “Why you have this hobby?” He replied, “When I was a little boy, I lived near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there.” While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched. That’s his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home… Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family.

That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee! Then the story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married to the prince, and then they were living the happy life… And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that’s the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said, “My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life’s lie. This was the only lie I said to you — the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt. It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead. I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything… Now I’m dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth, I don’t like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste… But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again.”

Her tears made the letter totally wet. One day, someone asked her, “What’s the taste of salty coffee?” She replied, “It’s sweet.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Love is not to forget but to forgive, not to see but understand, not to hear but to listen, not to let go but HOLD ON…

Slip of The Tongue

by Adriel Luis

My glares burn through her.
And I’m sure that such actions aren’t foreign to her
because the essence of her beauty is, well, the essence of beauty.

And in the presence of this higher being,
the weakness of my masculinity kicks in,
causing me to personify my wannabe big-baller, shot-caller,
God’s gift to the female species with shiny suit wrapping rapping like,
“Yo, what’s crackin shorty how you livin’ what’s your sign what’s your size I dig your style, yo.”

Now, this girl was no fool.
She gives me a dirty look with the quickness like,
“Boy, you must be stupid.”
so I’m looking at myself,
“Boy, you must be stupid.”
But looking upon her I am kinda feelin’ her style.

So I try again.
But, instead of addressing her properly,
I blurt out one of my fake-ass playalistic lines like,
“Gurl, you must be a traffic ticket cuz you got fine written all over you.”
Now, she’s trying to leave and I’m trying to keep her here.
So at a final attempt, I utter,
“Gurl, what is your ethnic makeup?”

At this point, her glare was scorching through me,
and somehow she manages to make her brown eyes
resemble some kinda brown fire or something,
but there’s no snap or head moement,
no palm to face, click of tongue, middle finger,
roll of eyes, twist of lips, or girl power chant.
She just glares through me with these burning eyes
and her gaze grabs you by the throat.

She says, “Ethnic makeup?”
She says, “First of all, makeup’s just an anglicized, colonized, commodified utility
that my sisters have been programmed to consume,
forcing them to cover up their natural state
in order to imitate what another sister looks like in her natural state
because people keep telling her
that the other sister’s natural state is more beautiful
than the first sister’s natural state.
At the same time,
the other sister isn’t even in her natural state,
because she’s trying to imitate yet another sister,
so in actuality, the natural state that the first sister’s trying to imitate
wasn’t even natural in the first place.”

Now I’m thinking, “Damn, this girl’s kicking knowledge!”
But, meanwhile, she keeps spitting on it like
“Fine. I’ll tell you bout my ‘ethnic makeup.’
I wear foundation,
not that powdery shit,
I wear the foundation laid by my indigenous people.
It’s that foundation that makes it so that past being globalized,
I can still vocalize with confidence that i know where my roots are.
I wear this foundation not upon my face, but within my soul,
and I take this from my ancestors
because I’ll be damned if I’d ever let an American or European corporation
tell me what my foundation
should look like.”

I wear lipstick,
for my lips stick to the ears of men,
so they can experience in surround sound my screams of agony
with each lash of rulers, measuring tape, and scales,
as if my waistline and weight are inversely propotional to my value as a human being.
See my lips, they stick, but not together.
Rather, they flail open with flames to burn down this culture that once kept them shut.
Now, I mess with eye shadow,
but my eyes shadow over this time where you’ve gone at ends to keep me blind.
But you can’t cover my eyes, look into them.
My eyes foreshadow change.
My eyes foreshadow light.
and I’m not into hair dyeing.
but I’m here, dying, because this oppression won’t get out of my hair.
I have these highlights.
They are highlights of my past atrocities,
they form this oppression I can’t wash off.
It tangles around my mind and twists and braids me in layers,
this oppression manifests,
it’s stressing me so that even though I don’t color my hair,
in a couple of years it’ll look like I dyed it gray.
So what’s my ethnic makeup ?
I don’t have any.
Because your ethnicity isn’t something you can just make up.
And as for that crap my sisters paint on their faces, that’s not makeup, it’s make-believe.”

I can’t seem to look up at her.
and I’m sure that such actions aren’t foreign to her
because the expression on her face
shows that she knows that my mind is in a trance.

As her footsteps fade, my ego is left in crutches.
And rejection never sounded so sweet.

I'll Stand By You - Ate Libay

Huwaw...
hanlamig ng boses parang stork.

10 Tips to Avoid Phishing Scams

Whenever you're about to interact with a financial Web site or a site that asks for personal information, use the following tips to steer clear of phishers:

Always type the address of the site you want to visit directly into your browser. Phishing e-mails use addresses that look legitimate but send you to the fake site when you click.
When you visit the site, be alert to spelling and grammatical errors, bad formatting and spacing and strange or inconsistent use of company logos. Phishing sites often make these kinds of mistakes.
Don't be fooled by the presence of genuine links and telephone numbers. Fake sites often include some accurate information to help trick people.
Security certificates (the lock icon representing "SSL") can be spoofed. If something doesn't feel right about the site, don't let your guard down just because you see the certificate.
Be especially suspicious of e-mail containing urgent warnings about account problems. These are designed to panic people and make them ignore their common sense.
Don't assume that an e-mail is legitimate even if the sender's name appears to be the name of a legitimate institution. The "From" field in an e-mail can be faked to look legitimate.
Scammers use the address or URL to trick you by hiding their true nature at the end of a long address (e.g. http://login.realfinancialinstutionname.actualphishingsite.com). When in doubt, call the institution for assistance before providing any personal information online.
Be cautious about using your main e-mail address to sign up for Web offers. Some sites allow addresses to be picked up by phishing gangs. McAfee's free SiteAdvisor tool warns you about sites that resulted in unwanted e-mail.
Use a stand-alone spam filter or a security suite with a built-in spam filter from a well-known vendor like McAfee to reduce the number of phishing e-mails that make it to your inbox.
Use a browser with built-in phishing protection like Internet Explorer 7 or Firefox 2, and add additional anti-phishing by using the free McAfee SiteAdvisor plug-in.

How To Ask a Girl Out

By Ashtyn Evans

One of the toughest things a man can do is attempt to get a date. Many men struggle with this from the moment they enter puberty up until they are married.

If you are a man that has been in the dating arena unsuccessfully for a while, then you may be thinking women are not interested in you because of your social status, insecurities, or looks. The truth is that it does not always matter what you have. It matters who you are and how you portray yourself.

With the right technique, any man can pick up nearly any girl he wants. All you need to do is believe in yourself enough to follow these simple steps.

Always leave home well-groomed. While, you do not have to be the best-looking man on the block, it does help if you look like you care about your appearance.
Wear nice, clean clothes and cologne when you go out. Remember that while you are single right now, first impressions mean everything. Dress to impress her, whoever she may be.

If you have been wearing the same pants since 1982, buy some new ones! You want to show her that you are ready for any situation the moment it arises, even if it is just asking her out.

You might be asking yourself if you are just running to the grocery store why you need to wear your best clothes. The answer is simple. You never know when you are going to meet a girl you might be interested in dating.

If you find her in the ten items or less line, and you are holding a 12-pack of beer, some corn nuts, and you have on your patented "plumber" sweatpants, how interested do you think she is going to be?
Think about what you are going to say before you say it. No matter what female you approach, you will find there will be one universal truth about them all. All women like to be complimented.
Flattery will get you much further than cynical and rude behavior. You might think girls like bad boys and this may be true. However, if a girl likes a bad boy, that bad boy is still nice to her.

Have a general idea of what you want to say. If you know the girl well, comment on something you know she likes to do or likes about herself and go from there.

If you do not know the girl and you want to get to know her, try making a joke or asking her for help when you are making a decision. For instance, if you are in a grocery store, ask for help in picking out a certain brand or a type of produce. Women love to rescue that adorably helpless man in an everyday situation.

Use things like this to your advantage. No matter what, remember that what you say initially will help to make or break your chances.
Never be afraid to ask for what you want. If you want to ask a girl out but you do not feel you know her well enough, test the waters and ask for her phone number.

If she likes your approach, she will give you hers or ask for yours. If she gives you her number, call her. You can almost guarantee if this happens that it will be possible to get a date with her. However, use the phone number to your advantage at least once.

When you call to ask her out be polite and funny. Be charming! Try to have an idea of what you want to say when she picks up the phone. Being prepared will help make the presentation better and her decision to go on a date with you much easier.

Have a Plan of Action. If you know the girl, it is best to plan the first date around her interests.
If she is a chef, you might offer to take her out for a gourmet meal that she does not have to cook! If she likes the outdoors, you might suggest a picnic on the beach. Whatever you plan does not really matter as long as you have her interests in mind.

You might want to test the waters by asking her what her dream date would be like. If you can make her dream date happen, consider asking her if she would like to go on that date with you!

Of course, you could always surprise her with the date of a lifetime. By doing so, you are sure to give her one date she will never forget.
Only make promises you can keep. The most important thing is that you fulfill any promises you make. Be yourself and have a good time with her.
Women like men who are comfortable with themselves. Just be honest and up-front and you will see how easy asking her out can be. In fact, if you continue this trend, you may even get more than one date out of the deal.

Asking women out is a breeze when following these tips. In fact, women are usually just as nervous in these moments as men are. Go easy, be honest, and have fun and she is sure to return the favor tenfold!

How To Throw a Divorce Party

While a divorce is often an event that is filled with a lot of hurt and remorse, the fact is that some people experience a great deal of relief that a bad situation is now behind them. In cases like this, the only logical thing to do is throw a divorce party. Here are a few things to think about should the need arise to pull together a divorce party for yourself or a friend.

The great thing about a divorce party is there are not a lot of traditions that one has to observe. You can make the party into anything that you want it to be. For example, you can have a beautiful seven-course sit-down affair followed with drinks and a piano in the background. Or you may want to go with balloons, confetti, a buffet loaded with foods that taste great and are bad for you, accompanied with the loudest and most lively music you can find. It's your party and it can have any tone you want it to have.
When it comes to the invitations, be creative. You may want to go with something along the lines of, "You are invited to celebrate the renewed freedom of Mr. John Smith this coming Saturday evening at 6 p.m. Bring your appetite and plenty of well wishes." If the divorce was messy, you may want to get in some last little digs with something like, "You are invited to my Hawaiian-style divorce celebration this coming Friday evening at 7 p.m. While we will be having roast pig, it will not be my ex on the spit."
Make sure your guests know the tone is to be festive and lots of fun. That means no pity party, just lots of laughs as you launch yourself into this new phase of your life. Tell them that while you won't be too upset if someone brings along a dartboard made with a picture of your ex, you do want to keep the focus on the future, not the past.
As to whom you invite, make sure it is people who mean a lot to you. This will mean relatives, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, just about everyone who has stood by you during the difficult times. They will be part of your support network as you move forward, so use this party as a way to let them know they are appreciated and that their efforts are paying off.
For you personally, see the divorce party as one way of putting closure on the marriage that is no more. Use the party to remind yourself that you were a whole person before you ever got married, and you are a whole person now. The divorce party is the start of your new life and is to be a time filled with a lot of laughs and well wishes.

Above all, make your divorce party into what you want it to be, and you will find that the morning after, you will have a lot of great memories to propel you into your future. After all, that is what a party is all about.

Who You Are Makes A Difference!

by Helice Bridges

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. Using a process developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three I more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure."

The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you.

"My Days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I don't need to."